Playboy Enterprises founder, majority owner, and Chief Creative Officer was admitted into a local hospital in Beverly Hills today for what doctors are calling a mild stroke. Hefner, or Hef as many call him, did not suffer any loss of motor skills from the stroke, but is under going a full set of tests.

When asked about his condition, Hefner replied, “Don’t be ridiculous! At my age, that’s not a stroke, it’s an orgasm!”

The iconic comedian overcame what doctors have explained as a horrific bout of cancer today without using any pills, radiation, or other forms of treatment. The entire medical community is in shock over the outcome of his battle with the deadly killer.

Apparently, Carlin simply told the cancer to “Go fuck itself,” and it did.

Mel Gibson’s latest endeavor might come as quite a surprise to most people considering that it was less than one year ago that the actor led us on a drunken tirade of racist proportions. Gibson has felt that his recent lack of blockbuster films and recognition for his acting endeavors had to do with the Jewish community “not forgiving him” for his actions last year.

“I want them, the Jews, to know that I respect them and I think this is the only way to prove I am not an anti-Semite.”

After an anonymous woman alleged that actor Tom Cruise was her child’s legitimate father, a prosecutor ordered Cruise to go under DNA testing. The results now prove that he is the child’s father and arrangements are being made for what some have called ‘hefty’ child support payments.

In a recent interview, Cruise admitted that he has now begun taking birth control pills. When asked why, the Scientologist exclaimed, “It goes against all I believe in, but child support is killing me.”

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) — David Hasselhoff has agreed to pay $25,000 a month to support his ex-wife and children.

Court documents released Thursday show the former “Baywatch” star’s divorce settlement calls for him to pay $21,000 a month to ex-wife Pamela Bach and another $4,000 to support their daughters, 17-year-old Taylor and 15-year-old Hayley.

Hasselhoff and Bach have joint custody of the children. The couple also agreed to joint ownership of their San Fernando valley home and will divide the family’s cars, bank accounts and Hasselhoff’s pensions from acting and directing guilds.

Asked why she wanted the divorce after 16 years of marriage, Pamela stated that he (Hasselhoff) has not been the same ever since he started hanging out with the artist known as Big-Hired Assassin.

Punk rocker and indie record label owner Henry Rollins received his brand new dentures today. Reports state that due to the aging icon’s obsessive coffee drinking and lack of proper dental hygiene, due mostly to his workaholic nature, there were no alternative options.

When, asked about it, Rollins claimed, “I didn’t have time to brush teeth!”